Parental Perfection?

So, you are raising human beings eh?

You are now their source of safety, protection and snacks.  You are their role models, their money tree’s, their comfort in a world of uncertainty and cliques.  You are their sun and moon when they are children, and their best friend and worst enemy as they mature.  You have to be perfect or else …you will have failed.

Welcome to the world of Parental Perfection!

I’m kidding, no one is perfect.  We hear that affirmation daily, if not weekly. Parental Perfection is a world that we build at times, in our own minds.  It’s a world that can cause a lot of self-doubt and fear in our lives.

In Parental Perfection, we see images of ex’s getting along perfectly, kids balancing every aspect of their lives, straight A’s ,and super multi-taskers who are on all the committee’s, involved in all the sports activities, volunteers, fundraisers, blah blah blee blah blah. And all done with wonderful hair, thick eye lashes and a killer bod.

Ah, the killer bod.

If you were ever lucky enough to have had it once, I applaud you.  I have added ‘Killer Bod’ to the self-loathing list of “Never gonna happen”.  But we can touch on that another day, let’s get back to parenting shall we…

During the scary moments of when I feel I’m losing grip, I tend to read pieces about the struggle of parenthood. It helps me feel like less of a mutant who is failing miserably at a job that seems to come so easily to those on Facebook and Instagram.

It is in those articles, set beyond the walls of Parental Perfection,  where most parents are single parents, most parents have been to family responsiblity offices, battling ex’s, or battling ex’s/ex’s girlfriends/ex’s girlfriends friends on social media or in text and inboxes.  Most are finding their way with their teenagers or their rambunctious child(ren).  Some families are dealing with very heavy and heartbreaking issues that stem from generations of abuse, or substance addictions, or a lack of financial stability, lack of proper housing, lack, lack, lack.

What is worse, is that on top of those kind’s of hurdles there is self-doubt whispering in your ear everytime you believe you have failed or made a mistake. My whisper sounds kind of like, “Hey Catherine, remember when you said the F-word too much and forgot to sign your daughter’s form on time?  You are a bad Mommmmmm….”

Yeah.  Stupid whispering voice.

So, on days where it feels like the stories aren’t enough, I start on my quest for quotes to validate my life and feelings.  It is not necessarily the best move as most quotes do not reflect the reality of our humanity and can often lead to feeling more self-doubt as we hold ourselves in comparison to these wise words.  Some quotes say, ‘Spend time with your children today’. Well, what if your child chooses not to spend time with you. Should you pursue, it then becomes forcible confinement.  Or if your children live far away and it’s just not possible. Then there are those quotes about the parents who put their children first and foremost.  While this is important, whoever wrote it neglected to add that you are also not allowed to manipulate and control them as your reward.

If anything, all quotes from low impact to high maintence should read something like this, “It’s okay to forget to make supper and order a pizza 2 days in a row.” Or, “You are doing your best, your children are fine, so you can get out of bed and brush your hair now”.  Or perhaps, “Okay you need to recognize your own past pain and stop projecting it on your children”.

In the end it’s all about finding that balance in between STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP YOU WILL ALL BE FINE and THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM SO DEAL WITH IT AND STOP MAKING IT  YOUR KIDS PROBLEM.

I say that we need to allow imperfection be a part of our lives.  We need to be realistic about underlying causes of our own doubt.  We need affirmation to keep us sane through the difficult times.

I read a lot of posts by people I know and people I don’t know about their own doubt, fear or anger or all three.  I know what that’s like and when you add the responsiblity of parenting, and it can be overwhelming.  It can hurt your heart, it can make you feel like giving up. 

Often times I felt out of control.  More than often, I felt that I was failing badly. Being honest about that without the self-pity was empowering though.  I don’t want to make excuses, I want to be a better me. Trying to have people feel sorry for me never helped, ever.

Affirmation is important. I think of all the times I missed my children so bad it hurt. I think of how patient I have to be and the changes I needed to make, and will continue to make,  for myself to become a better person, a better parent.  I think of parents who no longer have relationships with their children. I think of parents who have lost children.  I remember I am doing this for me, and for them and to be grateful.

There is so much more to say, to converse about but I will end with this: coming to a few other realizations also helps– that Parental Perfection doesn’t really exist.  That unconditional love exists. That my kids still get annoyed with me.  They still say “I love you” when ever they choose to.  That they still make a mess for me to clean up.  That I still get annoyed with them. That I still yell at them to clean up whilst losing my mind.  That I don’t need to spoil them rotten. That we still know what it’s like to live a thousand miles away from each other, even if we don’t always talk about it.

But no matter how perfect I think I want to become,  my children will probably still tell you that I am “Okay I guess”, which is a description that I will take over “perfect” any day.