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So, you are raising human beings eh?

You are now their source of safety, protection and snacks.  You are their role models, their money tree’s, their comfort in a world of uncertainty and cliques.  You are their sun and moon when they are children, and their best friend and worst enemy as they mature.  You have to be perfect or else …you will have failed.

Welcome to the world of Parental Perfection!

I’m kidding, no one is perfect.  We hear that affirmation daily, if not weekly. Parental Perfection is a world that we build at times, in our own minds.  It’s a world that can cause a lot of self-doubt and fear in our lives.

In Parental Perfection, we see images of ex’s getting along perfectly, kids balancing every aspect of their lives, straight A’s ,and super multi-taskers who are on all the committee’s, involved in all the sports activities, volunteers, fundraisers, blah blah blee blah blah. And all done with wonderful hair, thick eye lashes and a killer bod.

Ah, the killer bod.

If you were ever lucky enough to have had it once, I applaud you.  I have added ‘Killer Bod’ to the self-loathing list of “Never gonna happen”.  But we can touch on that another day, let’s get back to parenting shall we…

During the scary moments of when I feel I’m losing grip, I tend to read pieces about the struggle of parenthood. It helps me feel like less of a mutant who is failing miserably at a job that seems to come so easily to those on Facebook and Instagram.

It is in those articles, set beyond the walls of Parental Perfection,  where most parents are single parents, most parents have been to family responsiblity offices, battling ex’s, or battling ex’s/ex’s girlfriends/ex’s girlfriends friends on social media or in text and inboxes.  Most are finding their way with their teenagers or their rambunctious child(ren).  Some families are dealing with very heavy and heartbreaking issues that stem from generations of abuse, or substance addictions, or a lack of financial stability, lack of proper housing, lack, lack, lack.

What is worse, is that on top of those kind’s of hurdles there is self-doubt whispering in your ear everytime you believe you have failed or made a mistake. My whisper sounds kind of like, “Hey Catherine, remember when you said the F-word too much and forgot to sign your daughter’s form on time?  You are a bad Mommmmmm….”

Yeah.  Stupid whispering voice.

So, on days where it feels like the stories aren’t enough, I start on my quest for quotes to validate my life and feelings.  It is not necessarily the best move as most quotes do not reflect the reality of our humanity and can often lead to feeling more self-doubt as we hold ourselves in comparison to these wise words.  Some quotes say, ‘Spend time with your children today’. Well, what if your child chooses not to spend time with you. Should you pursue, it then becomes forcible confinement.  Or if your children live far away and it’s just not possible. Then there are those quotes about the parents who put their children first and foremost.  While this is important, whoever wrote it neglected to add that you are also not allowed to manipulate and control them as your reward.

If anything, all quotes from low impact to high maintence should read something like this, “It’s okay to forget to make supper and order a pizza 2 days in a row.” Or, “You are doing your best, your children are fine, so you can get out of bed and brush your hair now”.  Or perhaps, “Okay you need to recognize your own past pain and stop projecting it on your children”.

In the end it’s all about finding that balance in between STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP YOU WILL ALL BE FINE and THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM SO DEAL WITH IT AND STOP MAKING IT  YOUR KIDS PROBLEM.

I say that we need to allow imperfection be a part of our lives.  We need to be realistic about underlying causes of our own doubt.  We need affirmation to keep us sane through the difficult times.

I read a lot of posts by people I know and people I don’t know about their own doubt, fear or anger or all three.  I know what that’s like and when you add the responsiblity of parenting, and it can be overwhelming.  It can hurt your heart, it can make you feel like giving up. 

Often times I felt out of control.  More than often, I felt that I was failing badly. Being honest about that without the self-pity was empowering though.  I don’t want to make excuses, I want to be a better me. Trying to have people feel sorry for me never helped, ever.

Affirmation is important. I think of all the times I missed my children so bad it hurt. I think of how patient I have to be and the changes I needed to make, and will continue to make,  for myself to become a better person, a better parent.  I think of parents who no longer have relationships with their children. I think of parents who have lost children.  I remember I am doing this for me, and for them and to be grateful.

There is so much more to say, to converse about but I will end with this: coming to a few other realizations also helps– that Parental Perfection doesn’t really exist.  That unconditional love exists. That my kids still get annoyed with me.  They still say “I love you” when ever they choose to.  That they still make a mess for me to clean up.  That I still get annoyed with them. That I still yell at them to clean up whilst losing my mind.  That I don’t need to spoil them rotten. That we still know what it’s like to live a thousand miles away from each other, even if we don’t always talk about it.

But no matter how perfect I think I want to become,  my children will probably still tell you that I am “Okay I guess”, which is a description that I will take over “perfect” any day.

 

Our children need role models, but there is still not enough emphasis on the worthiness of those who have fallen and been able to pick themselves back up. And in turn, there is still not enough empathy and compassion shown to those who have fallen and are still down.

Why do we still allow unjust moral judgements determine what our human connectedness should be?  We have evolved our sense of entitlement more than our sense of humanity without understanding that we are the only ones who can change the way we think. And act. And love.

#InclusionNotSeclusion

Please check the video clip from Russell Brand’s End the Drugs War documentary. How many of us have hated ourselves? Or felt that we have let ourselves and our loved ones down? And how many of us just need the help that isn’t always available?

 https://youtu.be/jwb3CbOGN2A

The next 6 months are going to set you up for the rest of your life. I know that sounds a bit urgently dramatic, but the time is now.  You have been learning, absorbing, observing, slightly contributing, waiting for something, but still mostly fearful. You’ve been tiptoeing around, half stepping forward then two stepping back, afraid of what you can do. Well, now it’s time for you to be fearfully brave.

In my modest words of wisdom, this is only the first step but probably the most important- You need to find a way to keep your motivation.  For years you told yourself “I’ll do it later” and never did. Don’t get me wrong though, I understand more than anyone your ups and downs, but now is the time to do it. That’s all. Take it from me and Nike Inc. and just do it.

Moving on to the next bit of advice – You need to get organized and I mean now. This one won’t be easy but you need to do it. If you want to find more meaning in your writing, your projects and your contributions to the world, you need to organize mentally and plysically and to make that effort.

Last, in this very brief but necessary letter – You need to believe in yourself. Yes, that may sound a little bit Disney but it is actually crucial. To do this you do need to keep working on yourself, keep focused and don’t give up.

There. That is my advice to you. And don’t worry, this is just a start, the beginning of the writing life that you have always wanted.  Buuuut..time to end this multiple personality-esque letter and let you get to work.

Love,

You

P.S. Laugh as much as you can and love even more. xo

{This blog post is a letter from my ’12 Days of Writing’ journal entry that I thought I would share}

Original Draft entry

 

(Edited April 13, 2020)

Yes. I’m quite sure someone laughed when they were told the world was round. As I’m sure someone rolled their eyes when they were told that one day we would be able to fly amongst the clouds. And I am most definitely sure that many did not believe man would land on the moon, nor that women would eventually vote, and that our technology would soar. The biggest farce was that Donald Trump was running for President. All of these things were once written on the ‘It’ll Never Happen List’, but only the last one will really hit North America where it hurts most.

But I digress, moving on.

A lot of what I have been reading lately has got me thinking, and you know that is never good, but in light of to believe or not to believe, all of this reading has let me to ask, Why is it so hard for our northern communities, First Nation and non, to invest in a renewable/recycle based economy? 

And forgive me for adding this but:  for the love of God, please stop planning the majority of our future around mining, logging and oil/gas!!!  

There, I said it.

Continuing on.

Some of these thoughts then lead me to wonder whether or not is it a common belief that this is the only way to prosperity? There is so much money and funding filtered to the non-renewable resource pile, with little attention given to the more sustainable bucket, that like in the Donald Trump predicament, this will eventually hit us where it really hurts. 

Well I suppose it’s not so hard to believe that one of the reasons is that we have been apathetic about educating ourselves on various paths that encompass free thinking, innovation and ecological harm reducing strategies.  This may be why we have yet to see a large interest in investing in something like building design, for example.  

“People from around the world use our regenerative design framework to create spaces that, like a flower, give more than they take.” The International Living Future Institute

‘To give more than they take’, is such a simple phrase but one with great importance.

The balance between sustainable and unsustainable is still very far off. Corporate greed focused on non-renewable extraction does a good job of targeting large, perceptively poor populations who are in need of an economic boost and employment opportunities to give their support to go ahead to start digging, cutting, etc. They are also campaign masters and political pocket fillers, which tip the scale towards a short lived ‘thriving’ economy. To be fair though, this happens globally, and not only here in Canada. The scary part is, for those who attempt to look beyond that scope of dependence are often ridiculed or silenced, and even killed.

I rather like Leonardo DiCaprio’s statement in the documentary film Before The Flood, when he references back to a much younger Leo who believed that something as simple as changing to LED lightbulbs would help. Although I don’t think he was necessarily wrong in that we do need to continue to contribute individually as much as we can but we have to recognize that things are moving at an accelerated pace and it’s time to ‘up the ante’.

So what do we do? Individually, collectively?

Once we see where consumption has governed our daily and professional lives, we can start to make the necessary changes bit by bit and push forward the movement of a healthy future. In the article Quiet Moves Toward a Renewable Resource Based Economy from the Huff Post, about moving towards a more organizational/business sustainable future, the ending provides with some hope on the horizon:

The change we need will be given operational meaning by the organizations we work for. Just as our organizations learned to incorporate occupational safety, financial reporting, performance measurement, customer relations, employment law, social media marketing and many other elements into their standard operating procedures, so too will they need to incorporate a concern for the physical dimensions of sustainability. They will pay more attention to their use of energy, water and other materials. They will think about recycling and designed reuse of finite materials, and staff will devote significant effort to reduce the environmental impact of organizational outputs. These changes will be slow and steady and like the tortoise, may not attract much attention until the hare is finally passed.

These are not fast acting changes, nor are they the only changes our region (and the world!) need to make, but I have not given up or have stopped believing it can and will be done. In fact I give it more thought now than I ever did; how will it happen? When will it happen? Is it already happening? How will it look when it happens? How can I make it happen? Those questions will work themselves out if we find a way to move beyond the comfort zone that we have built our whole lives upon.

And why is it also important that we challenge the tired (but popular) belief that ‘it will never work’.

Because whether we believe it or not… they told us we would never vote, we would never fly, and we would never make it to the moon. Let’s prove whoever ‘they’ are wrong, yet again.

.  

Scary, isn’t she? 

Hmm, maybe only to the Status Quo Army Cadet Corp.